Sunday, May 24, 2020
I think, therefore I am (awake and miserable)
I think, therefore I am (awake and miserable) Embed from Getty Imageswindow.gie=window.gie||function(c){(gie.q=gie.q||[]).push(c)};gie(function(){gie.widgets.load({id:'Dr9siiD_QqhgUgFMbgt48A',sig:'Eif0Cp3BtqQuOQD0SoyTomjjnYQJ3cacfxSdkPfuX7Y=',w:'509px',h:'339px',items:'886493974',caption: false ,tld:'com',is360: false })}); Psychologists define rumination as âthe focused attention on the symptoms of ones distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.â Farmers define rumination (by their cows) as âto chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed.â Either way, itâs an unappetizing way to spend your evening. It also doesnât solve your problems. Louis LâAmour once said, âFew of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.â We tend to spend a lot of time going over what went wrong: a botched presentation, a missed opportunity, a careless remark that hurt someoneâs feelings. Itâs not uncommon to lay awake at night going over what happened relentlessly, kicking yourself mentally for your incompetence. (Or so Iâve heard.) Tasha Eurich has spent years studying insight â" the ability to clearly see ourselves. Sheâs written a whole book on the subject called Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think . She writes that introspection (and rumination, introspectionâs unproductive evil twin) almost never produce insight into how you can improve. In fact, introspection can make things worse. Eurich writes, âA study of more than 14,000 university students showed that introspection was associated with poorer well-being. Still other research suggests that self-analyzers tend to have more anxiety, less positive social experiences, and more negative attitudes about themselves.â Part of the problem with introspection, Eurich says, is that weâre often asking the wrong question. We focus on âwhy.â Why do I feel this way? Why did she say that to me? Why is this happening to me? Eurich cites Dr. Lara Fielding, a Los Angelesâ"based clinical psychologist âThe danger of too much introspection in therapy,â she says, âis that we spin a story that gets us stuck.â In other words, rather than getting wrapped up in how broken we are, we should be focusing on what we can learn and how to move forward. The key to making progress is ditching âwhyâ questions and embracing âwhatâ questions. Understanding why something happened is not going to help you move forward. When you ask âwhat am I going to do about it,â you can start âchanging the patterns of behavior that arenât serving [you], and moving forward with understanding and purpose.â Eurich writes, âThe bottom line is that when we ask why, that is, examine the causes of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, we are generally searching for the easiest and most plausible answer. Sadly, though, once we have found one, we generally stop lookingâ"despite having no way of knowing whether our answer is right or wrong.â One of the self-aware subjects Eurich interviewed at length for the book put it this way: âIf you ask why, youâre putting yourself into a victim mentality. People end up in therapy forever for that. When I feel anything other than peace, I say âWhatâs going on?â âWhat am I feeling?â âWhat is the dialogue inside my head?â âWhatâs another way to see this situation?â âWhat can I do to respond better?â Heres what Tasha Eurich says is the bottom line for useful introspection: âThe bottom line? Why questions draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.â Next time youâre up at 3:00 in the morning wondering why, try turning your mind to ask what and see if you begin to feel more hopeful
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